Tonight I saw a precious baby dressed in an almost identical outfit as one of my favorites I used to wear on my prison baby. My heart skipped a beat when I saw it, but I had to remind myself that the baby I once cared for is no longer 6 months old. In fact, she is about 2 1/2 now. My mind flitted briefly to her a I fussed over the little one in front of me and admired the darling outfit so much like the one I used to lovingly put on 'my' baby.
Later tonight, after a caffeine overload in my system, I lay awake upon my bed, thinking again of the darling baby I was privileged to call mine for 6 short months. I thought of her soft, chubby cheeks, her long curled eyelashes, her shining eyes, and radiant smile. I thought of how she would wake up in the morning rosy cheeked from sleep and how her face would light up with the most welcoming smile. I remembered how she loved the piano and would spend many happy times on the laps of my sisters or I as we played the instrument. I remembered the way I poured love into that roly-poly bundle of energy and loved to watch the rest of my family do the same. I remembered with an growing ache, that awful morning almost 2 years ago when I loaded Jaelynn and a few supplies in the car, and we drove to meet her Mom who was now out of prison and wanting her baby back. I remember the tears, and the way my heart felt like it was ripped out of my chest, never to be returned in its entirety. We left Jaelynn with her mother that day and drove away, but a large portion of my heart stayed right there with her.
It didn't take long until I was bawling over the memories and my arms ached with the longing to once more hold my sweet Jaelynn. I snapped on the light and pulled out her memory album, thankful beyond words for the many pictures and memories I had stored in there. I pored over each page, studying her sweet face and laughing at the funny expressions she produced so well. I marveled again over how much she looked like our family, people often got her mistaken to be one of ours!
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| We loved this baby so much... |
I miss that baby so much. I long to know where she is. All I want is to know that she's safe, that someone is caring for her, and making sure she has all her needs met. Where is she? What kind of living conditions is she in? Is her mother still out of prison? I have a hundred questions that have no answers and my motherly heart aches to just KNOW. I wonder how I can take it, but then I remember the words I've told many people in my more confident moments... "I know God loves her way more then I ever could, and can take care of her much better then I can. I'm trusting Him to care for Jaelynn." I truly do believe that, but there are times when I wish I could do more then just trust, and pray.
I've been asked many times, "How could you do it, giving her back and all? I just could never do that!" I agree, it was one of the hardest times of my life, but I'd foster again in a heartbeat. It's just that simple. These precious, innocent children need someone to care for them (and so do the older, less innocent ones!) and who is better equipped then we as the people of God?! Any little bit we can do to make a difference in one of the least of these, Jesus sees as doing it unto Him.
